Books For Blasphemers: The Torah (Part 1)

on Monday, August 2, 2010
Call it the Torah, the Pentateuch, the Five Books of Moses, whatever. You've probably never read it. Here's my rhyming guide to what you're missing:


Once there was absolute nothing
Which God thought would be cool to put stuff in
Let there be light
So's I see what I smite
Hmmm that Adam could sure use some muffin

Soon after Ol' Abe's foreskin fell
He yanked Isaac from dry Sarah's shell
Cheer the Ark's one pot screamer*
And Joseph the dreamer**
Plus, there's plenty of shagging as well***

(* That's Noah, folks, who got drunk, fell asleep naked and then got totally hazed by his kids)
(** I have resisted the temptation to search for words or phrases that rhyme with Andrew Lloyd Webber)
(*** I would have liked to use the word "beget" a number of times here but just didn't have the syllables)


Here's Moses, the champ of our Bible
The dude what don't need no disciples
He just talked to a bush
Gave his ego a push
And fronted the king of the Nile

Killer plagues freed the slaves from their capture
And the split seas had Pharoah in rapture
Then a whole lot a lawin'
Made my barmitzvah* boring
Thank God it's the end of the chapter

(*Jews with any knowledge of their religion may substitute the word "Parasha" here)


Forty-odd pages of riffing
On rules and punishment for sinning
Even those folk most anal
Would find it too banal*
And probably rather worth skipping

(* To be read in rhyme with 'anal', apologies to the pronunciation pedants out there...)


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