Books For Blasphemers: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard

Dear Tom Cruise,

Could you please explain how a cheesy, overwritten self-help book could make a claim for religious legitimacy? Dianetics is scientific quackery at its worst, chock full of post-War paranoias and hilariously made-up verbiage. Scientology? Hello? What the fuck does that even mean? I suppose this crap probably makes sense if your life is totally worthless (sure, you were married to Nicole, but do you actually think you were the aggrieved party there?). And I know Gods and Buddhas are kind of silly, but aliens? Really?

Now, I realise you want to be taller. And you want to erase that couch jumping episode from the collective consciousness. And I get that Dianetic therapy seems to provide a means of doing both those things. But self help books are for idiots. They give the illusion of working when you're too lazy to get off your fat arse and take responsibility for your own failures. Or maybe I've just been invaded by Thetans and my engrams are in overdrive. Whatever. I wrote you a poem. Feel free to read it to John Travolta when you're next cuddled up together.

PS I recommend you read The Secret. It's totally up your alleys.

I've often believed science fiction
Would be a great source for religion
But it wasn't the Jedi
Who caught on, Instead I'm
Afraid it's L. Ron's composition

The human is geared for survival*
But most times before his arrival
Bad engrams imbued**
When the mum went and poohed***
Or they tried to abort the poor child

Behold it's all psychosomatic****
The aberee's cleared of the static*****
Check out their conversion
From sexual perversion******
To cash giving foolish fanatic

For those who still swear by the outcome
You're not just misguided you're real dumb
With utter reliance
On cheap junk faux science*******
Here's snake oil, you might wanna buy some!

(* This is rule number one in Scientology. The dynamic principle of existence is to survive. Fair enough, can't argue with that)
(** Quick Dianetics lesson. You have two minds, the analytic and the reactive. The analytic is good, allowing reflection etc, and must always stay switched on. The reactive mind stores baddies called engrams which, when triggered, make you sick or otherwise fuck up your life. These are imbued when the person is 'unconscious' which means not engaging their analytic mind.)
(*** The classic stage of unconsciousness is pre-birth. Hubbard postulates many situations that inflict unconsciousness on the unborn child. Vomiting from morning sickness, mother needing to poop, parents having sex, attempting to abort the child which apparently happens very often, father beating the crap out of mother, etc. I think Hubbard's favourite thing was writing these little dramatic interludes. To be fair, they were pretty funny.)
(**** Pretty much most ills are caused by engrams kicking in. So basically your mind causes you to fake things. Classic examples are arthritis, headaches and any endocrinological disorder. Take that, diabetics!)
(***** Another quick Dianetics lesson. A 'Clear' is someone free of their engrams. An 'Aberee' is someone afflicted with residual engrams.)
(****** Sexual perversion is one of the great manifestations of engrams. Examples Hubbard provides are homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual sadism, taking it in the poop chute, etc etc)
(******* The bit that infuriated me most was Hubbard's continual reliance on 'scientific tests' that 'proved' his theories. Can't argue with science, right? However, he never provides data to substantiate these 'tests' and, even worse, claims many scientific studies that have been substantiated, Pavlov for example, are rubbish because Hubbard's so-called tests disproved them.)